Bi-Polar Disorder - How I Live With It
Bipolar is defined as manic-depressive illness, a psychiatric condition
characterized by episodes of mania (exaggerated euphoria) alternating
with periods of depression. (http://my.webmd.com/content/article/1680.50558)
I inherited the condition from my father. I am told that at the time
there was no treatment other than spending time in a mental institute.
I had 2 aunts and one cousin that also had the disease. They all killed
themselves.
My days used to begin with me trying to convince myself to get out of
bed and go to work. There was a boulder on my chest that I had to lift
just to get to the shower. Once I was at work, I would sit at my desk, praying that no one would ask the most dreaded of questions. Inevitably someone would say, " How are you?" I was instantly reduced to a quivering, squalling mass of flesh. If only they hadn't
asked.
Bipolar is debilitating. It requires a daily fight to convince yourself
you are not crazy, to convince those around you that you cannot "just
snap out of it", and to find the treatment that works for you. I have
found in the last year the recovery I once thought impossible.
I thought I was crazy. I couldn't function like my sisters. I would be fine one minute and in tears the next for no apparent reason. There should be a reason. Right? Sometimes I would just sit in the floor in the bathroom and cry. My family and friends would ask what was wrong and I couldn't tell them. It was nothing and it was everything. When I think back on it, I know they must have felt helpless. I think I dreaded the up moments the most. I would have times when I was in a great mood. I always knew that they would be followed by a deep depression or low. I hated it. I couldn't enjoy being up. It scared me.
My family and friends tried to understand. I know that most of them hated to be around me. Who wants to be...
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